Sometimes the things we think will be really awesome turn out to be really terrible and the things we think are tragedies turn out to be the best thing for us. I have read the scripture “All things work together for good for those that love God and for those that are called according to His purpose” so many times and have always believed it to be true. However the word “all” never became so real to me as it has this past year. “All”
would include my grandmothers very sudden death, “all” would include my oldest son being diagnosed with Type1 diabetes, “all” would include my sister almost dying and spending several days in ICU, “all” would include my stepmom’s battle with breast cancer, “all” would include everything that that has happened since last July 17th , 2009.
I had been thinking of writing an apology letter to all of my clients and potential clients explaining why I seemed to have a split personality this past year. But the more I prayed about what I should say I began feeling as though I should write more than just a letter explaining the events and difficulties that occurred. The situations themselves were not really the main issue. I am about to be very honest with you so if TMI is too much for you then I will simply say to you that I am sorry, and leave it at that. For everyone that would like to know what really happened this year here goes.
Death
We moved to Texas to live with MawMaw in 2000, so she would have help taking care of my 100+ year old great grandmother and my 17 year old cousin. In the next two years my great grandmother passed away at 106 and my cousin got married. MawMaw got sick a few months later and came to stay at our house and when she was better decided to stay. After Hurricane Rita (2005) turned our hometown upside down we were forced to move. We moved back to Pennsylvania. It was devastating; we were on leadership at a church that we loved. We were just beginning to have real success with our businesses and we were able to help MawMaw. The next summer, after my sister’s wedding, my MawMaw decided that she was going to come and stay with us for a month or two in PA. So she came to stay and never left. We were overjoyed to have her with us again. She was with me every day and I really loved that. We had the best talks and my kids loved having her here with us. She was my second parent and best friend all my life. The one who, no matter what, thought that what I was doing or had done was totally amazing (even if it wasn’t). She made me feel like I could do anything even if I was scared out of my mind. And when I was too scared or sad or tired or stressed to do anything she knew just what to say to help me get back in the game. She knew how to make me laugh (hysterically) when I felt like crying. And when I was crying and my heart was broken or I felt like I had failed so miserably that nothing would ever be good again she would say “Baby, it’s gonna be alright. This too shall pass.” And she would smile and hug me and I would feel better. I could pick myself up and move forward.
Then very suddenly on July 17th , 2009 in the middle of my biggest year with my business I came home from a shoot with lunch for her and everything changed. She was getting over a minor illness so I went upstairs to check on her. She was slurring her words and could not get up. I called 911. They said the word stroke and everything else is a blur of tears. I do remember that it was raining really hard that day. When we got to the hospital she couldn’t speak but she kept kissing my hand over and over again. I knew she was trying to comfort me. I just kept telling her how much I loved her. Then the doctor came in and told us that there was nothing more they could do for her. I can’t even describe what I felt in that moment. I held her hand all night until she was gone. The next day I had to get up and shoot a wedding, a wedding that I had been looking forward to all year. So I did, I told myself that my grief would have to wait until wedding season and senior season were over. When I came home from the funeral in Texas I shut the door to her room and forbid anyone to open it.
I very mistakenly thought I had put my grief on “pause”. Family members were talking about how they would miss Christmas and Thanksgiving…but all I could think of was that I would miss Tuesday and Friday and Monday and breakfast. Even though I continued to work it affected me in every way. I couldn’t think and began forgetting things and not following up with situations. When something would go wrong I would be confused and couldn’t figure out what I should do to fix it or how I should respond. (Lab delays or mistakes, internet issues, hackers, phone issues, etc.) Things continued to get worse very quickly. I had no idea how else to deal with losing her and still take care of my clients but to just try not to think about it and just keep working.
Diabetes
In October, my busiest month for weddings, my oldest son began having problems that we immediately recognized as warning signs of diabetes. We called the doctor and had him in within two days. They sent him from the doctor’s office straight to Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh with a fasting blood sugar of 278. When they checked him again at Children’s that evening, still fasting, it was 317. The diagnosis was Juvenile Type 1 diabetes. They admitted him and I spent a week with him at Children’s Hospital while they got him leveled out and trained us in Diabetic care and procedures for type 1.
When he came home we were so nervous. It was like bringing a newborn home for the first time. How would we remember all of the calculations for diet and insulin? What if we did something wrong? How would he tolerate 6 shots a day?
At this point I began staying up all night just to recheck his blood sugar to make sure he wasn’t dropping low in the middle of the night. Or I was up trying to work all night or make his schedule for the next day. Sleep was very difficult.
As I am sure anyone can imagine, this made me even less able to keep things organized and on track. Only I couldn’t see that yet.
Blessings
My stepmom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have surgery. My sister, who I love beyond the moon, almost died and spent 3 days in ICU.
Then one day in November I was sitting in my office and I got a call from an unhappy client. That was it, the straw that broke the camels’ back. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out again. Everything in my life and business was such a mess at this point I felt that I could never fix it and I would never recover. I felt like everyone hated me and with good reason. And MawMaw wasn’t there to tell me it would be “ok”. Things just got very dark. I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to eat. The only time I felt like I could breathe was during worship team rehearsals. So with the encouragement of my family I just kept singing. Even thought I would just cry through the entire rehearsal sometimes. I felt like I did not deserve God’s help or comfort. I blamed myself for her death and not being able to handle things better with my business during these crises. I told myself that I should have seen the signs sooner, I should have been more organized before all this and I wouldn’t be in this position, I should have, I should have, I should have.
At this point my husband called my attention to my very unstable state and suggested that I “talk to someone”. So I agreed to see the same therapist that had been treating my youngest son who has Aspergers (an Autism spectrum disorder) for the past few years. This was even more difficult as it made me feel like a failure not only as a wife, mom, business person but it also made me feel like a failure as a Christian. I am so blessed that I had family and friends praying for me at this time. Everyone needs help sometimes and as my therapist says mental health is just as important as physical health. Also, I really believe that God gives therapist the compassion and care to help others when they need it just as medical doctors do. I was able to begin therapy and because of the blessing of that was able to begin my journey back from that very dark place. Friends would send me scripture texts that were just what I needed at those moments…”all things work together for good…”, “…He will never leave you nor forsake you…” and so many others. I had clients who even though they had every right to be frustrated and angry with me treated me with compassion and understanding. I could never begin to explain how much I was blessed by those around me.
You may be wondering why I would title this section Blessings. Well, it is because although this year has definitely been the worst yet for my family and me we have learned so much from and about each other and mostly about God and how He can use even the worst circumstances to help us to grow and change. He has moved for us miraculously this year despite all of the tragedy and turmoil. And we believe and expect for more breakthroughs and provisions to come. We also appreciate each other more and are much more thankful for the simple everyday things. It has changed us all for the better.
In the past few weeks I am finally beginning to feel like myself again. The fog is clearing in my head and I can think again and reason and solve problems. Something I definitely took for granted before. Thanks to the blessing of my wonderful therapist who I honestly consider to be my friend, I am becoming more at peace with myself as I am beginning to understand myself and truly accept myself , flaws and all, for the first time in my life. I know to some this will sound corny but it is very true. I have realized that I have to set limits in my life and my business and that it is ok to have boundaries and to sometimes say “No”. These are the wonderful blessings that my Lord has been pouring out on me as I am starting again. He is using them to fill my life with peace instead of it being full of stress. He has shown me that not everything bad that happens is an attack of the enemy. Sometimes it is just life. And sometimes it is due to our own misconceptions about ourselves and the people around us. We as Christians tend to give the enemy too much credit. I know now that Jesus is my very best friend and that He will never leave me. I was leaning on my MawMaw as she was leaning on Him. And now it is time for me to lean on Him. “I will bless the Lord at ALL times…His praise will continually be in my mouth”
On that note I would like to say that I have made some very drastic personal changes as well as some very drastic (and much needed) business changes. I am in the process of restructuring my business to fit my life not the other way around. I will only be accepting a maximum of 5 wedding per year from now on (previous clients or by referral only). Otherwise I will be second shooting with my wonderful friend Catherine McKinley (who is truly the best wedding photographer). I will be limiting the amount of High School Seniors that I accept as well, at least for this year as I am putting the new structures and systems into place.
I will be closed on Mondays and Sundays no exceptions. I will also be closed on my husband’s birthday, my kid’s birthdays, my birthday and our anniversary as well as all major holidays. That might sound obvious but I have always worked on those days. See what I mean, boundaries.
I still plan to send a letter to all of my clients explaining the new structures as well as opening communication so that if you have any questions going forward we can address those. I am very well aware that I have lost or will lose clients or potential clients because of all of this and I am finally at the point where I can accept that. However, being a people pleaser, it still saddens me and I do sincerely apologize to everyone for any frustrations and /or delays that resulted from this past year and my struggles. For those that will not be returning to work with me I completely understand and I truly do wish you all the best. And for those of you who are still considering working with me I hope that you will allow me the opportunity to give you a wonderful portrait experience from start to finish.
And to all of my family and friends, thank you so much for your prayers and love and support this year. I love you very much and I would not have survived this year without you.
Sincerely,
Ticia
June 24, 2010
www.ticiamangino.com
724-614-8039
